Welcome back amigos! Looks like I didn’t offend you too horribly if you’re back for more. Last week was a doozy and there were some real movers and shakers climbing and descending my arbitrary ranks. Without further ado…
1. Michael Avenatti – How cool is this guy. If I had continued with my legal career, I hope I would have turned out like Mike. He’s just a badass bald attorney who is not in the business of taking flak from anyone. And he’s the cool bald. Not the lame bald, like Dick Cheney or Karl Rove, but the cool bald, like Bruce Willis or Dwayne Johnson. Which is exactly how I view my haircut from 2007 – present (insert guy thinking hard in a sarcastic “I know I’m right but still gonna make you think I’m asking a question” emoji here). Avenatti went on Real Time with Bill Maher on Friday and threw us all the morsel we’ve been craving – that Sean Hannity is going to get slamf*cked once the feds are done combing through Cohen’s treasure trove of treason, crime, and deceit. Mikey, you’d better not just be teasing me! It’d take a real cold cat to leave me with that set of blue balls after getting me all hot and bothered at the prospect of Hannity going down in flames, handcuffed to this nuclear meltdown of a presidency. Law of Attraction counselor, if we all think it, can we manifest it? PLEEEEEEAAASSEEE!
50/50. Nikki Haley – Was it yellow and moving fast Nikki? I’m referring to the giant bus under which 45 threw you. Having one of his stooge flunkies flat-out say that you were confused regarding imposing sanctions on Russia?! Wow, what a slap in the face! How hypocritical (a theme to which you will constantly see me refer to when it comes to the Republican party) coming from a guy who demands extreme and unwavering loyalty from his underlings. It’s insulting, misogynistic, embarrassing, and indicative of the incompetence of his administration. Dear God, with friends like that, she doesn’t need enemies. Can any of you imagine your boss doing that to you? Just think about it for a second. That would push me into full-on Michael Douglas in Falling Down mode. I think this constitutes a crossroads for her career and longevity in her current position. Your move ambassador.
212. Rudy Giuliani – I’m upset I even have to waste my time and keystrokes on this washed-up has-been of a politician. Doesn’t he remind you of a past-his-prime actor who is trying to scratch and claw his way back into the limelight of fame by appearing at second-rate awards shows and doing cameos on random children’s TV shows? Well, he’s decided to join this nightmare of an administration and assume the mantle of the only job less desirable than being the head of Starbucks’ PR right now – Trump’s attorney. That’s right, this twit has jumped on the proverbial hand grenade and has joined the dumpster fire that is Trump’s legal team. Really Rudy? That’s the hill you want to die on? Welp, bye Felicia! I’ll await your disbarment with rapt anticipation and glee. Giuliani is an irrelevant buffoon and it says a lot about his judgment that he decided to hop on board this sinking ship just as the drums of fuel have ignited. Smart.
12,000,000. Starbucks – Whoooo doggie! Talk about a bad week! Ummm, hello Starbucks. 2018 is calling and would like to fill you in on social events from the past year. How clueless and senseless can you get!? And in the interest of full disclosure, I’ll be the first to admit that I am a regular customer of the Seattle fat cat corporate overlord and willingly empty my wallet into their mega-coffers on the reg. But that just means that I’m entitled to criticize them when baby do a bad bad thing. Their ranking reflects how much money Starbucks is estimated to lose on 5/29/2018 when they close all 8,000 of their stores for racial-bias training.
12,000,001. Theta Tau – Right now Starbucks is saying, “Thank the good lord for Theta Tau!” The embarrassment of a fraternity got expelled from the Syracuse campus early Sunday morning after racist/homophobic/sexist/downright-awful hazing videos emerged earlier in the week. Don’t get me wrong, I love my alma mater. It’s produced many great individuals, including one of my inspirations, Aaron Sorkin. But I can tell you after spending four years deal ol’ Cuse that I’m not surprised by this at all. There are some reeeeal jackasses that go there. The kind of cretins that make you wonder how they even find their car in the parking lot after work. Good riddance Theta Tau! And Syracuse, be better.
In Memoriam: Avicii and Verne Troyer – This isn’t one of the rankings for this installation, but I just wanted to pay online respects to Avicii and Verne Troyer, both of whom passed away last week, both at far too early ages. DJ Avicii (Tim Bergling) was one of the most influential EDM artists ever and to me, his music left an indelible impression in the 2012 – 2016 years for me. Levels is one of my all-time faves and still gets me pumped every single time it graces my ears. Verne Troyer, played a major role in one of my favorite movies as a youth, Austin Powers 2: The Spy Who Shagged Me. R.I.P guys.
Currently reading: Assassination Vacation by Sarah Vowell
That’s all I’ve got. May you live in interesting times.