Jayrey’s Universal Power Rankings 4/23/18

Winners and Losers as of 4/23/2018

Welcome back amigos! Looks like I didn’t offend you too horribly if you’re back for more. Last week was a doozy and there were some real movers and shakers climbing and descending my arbitrary ranks. Without further ado…

1. Michael Avenatti  How cool is this guy. If I had continued with my legal career, I hope I would have turned out like Mike. He’s just a badass bald attorney who is not in the business of taking flak from anyone. And he’s the cool bald. Not the lame bald, like Dick Cheney or Karl Rove, but the cool bald, like Bruce Willis or Dwayne Johnson. Which is exactly how I view my haircut from 2007 – present (insert guy thinking hard in a sarcastic “I know I’m right but still gonna make you think I’m asking a question” emoji here). Avenatti went on Real Time with Bill Maher on Friday and threw us all the morsel we’ve been craving – that Sean Hannity is going to get slamf*cked once the feds are done combing through Cohen’s treasure trove of treason, crime, and deceit. Mikey, you’d better not just be teasing me! It’d take a real cold cat to leave me with that set of blue balls after getting me all hot and bothered at the prospect of Hannity going down in flames, handcuffed to this nuclear meltdown of a presidency. Law of Attraction counselor, if we all think it, can we manifest it? PLEEEEEEAAASSEEE!

50/50. Nikki Haley – Was it yellow and moving fast Nikki? I’m referring to the giant bus under which 45 threw you. Having one of his stooge flunkies flat-out say that you were confused regarding imposing sanctions on Russia?! Wow, what a slap in the face! How hypocritical (a theme to which you will constantly see me refer to when it comes to the Republican party) coming from a guy who demands extreme and unwavering loyalty from his underlings. It’s insulting, misogynistic, embarrassing, and indicative of the incompetence of his administration. Dear God, with friends like that, she doesn’t need enemies. Can any of you imagine your boss doing that to you? Just think about it for a second. That would push me into full-on Michael Douglas in Falling Down mode. I think this constitutes a crossroads for her career and longevity in her current position. Your move ambassador.

212. Rudy Giuliani – I’m upset I even have to waste my time and keystrokes on this washed-up has-been of a politician. Doesn’t he remind you of a past-his-prime actor who is trying to scratch and claw his way back into the limelight of fame by appearing at second-rate awards shows and doing cameos on random children’s TV shows? Well, he’s decided to join this nightmare of an administration and assume the mantle of the only job less desirable than being the head of Starbucks’ PR right now – Trump’s attorney. That’s right, this twit has jumped on the proverbial hand grenade and has joined the dumpster fire that is Trump’s legal team. Really Rudy? That’s the hill you want to die on? Welp, bye Felicia! I’ll await your disbarment with rapt anticipation and glee. Giuliani is an irrelevant buffoon and it says a lot about his judgment that he decided to hop on board this sinking ship just as the drums of fuel have ignited. Smart.

12,000,000. Starbucks – Whoooo doggie! Talk about a bad week! Ummm, hello Starbucks. 2018 is calling and would like to fill you in on social events from the past year. How clueless and senseless can you get!? And in the interest of full disclosure, I’ll be the first to admit that I am a regular customer of the Seattle fat cat corporate overlord and willingly empty my wallet into their mega-coffers on the reg. But that just means that I’m entitled to criticize them when baby do a bad bad thing. Their ranking reflects how much money Starbucks is estimated to lose on 5/29/2018 when they close all 8,000 of their stores for racial-bias training.

12,000,001. Theta Tau – Right now Starbucks is saying, “Thank the good lord for Theta Tau!” The embarrassment of a fraternity got expelled from the Syracuse campus early Sunday morning after racist/homophobic/sexist/downright-awful hazing videos emerged earlier in the week. Don’t get me wrong, I love my alma mater. It’s produced many great individuals, including one of my inspirations, Aaron Sorkin. But I can tell you after spending four years deal ol’ Cuse that I’m not surprised by this at all. There are some reeeeal jackasses that go there. The kind of cretins that make you wonder how they even find their car in the parking lot after work. Good riddance Theta Tau! And Syracuse, be better.

In Memoriam: Avicii and Verne Troyer – This isn’t one of the rankings for this installation, but I just wanted to pay online respects to Avicii and Verne Troyer, both of whom passed away last week, both at far too early ages. DJ Avicii (Tim Bergling) was one of the most influential EDM artists ever and to me, his music left an indelible impression in the 2012 – 2016 years for me. Levels is one of my all-time faves and still gets me pumped every single time it graces my ears. Verne Troyer, played a major role in one of my favorite movies as a youth, Austin Powers 2: The Spy Who Shagged Me. R.I.P guys.

Currently reading: Assassination Vacation by Sarah Vowell

Assassination Vacation

That’s all I’ve got. May you live in interesting times.


Skye 4-22-18

Welcome to Jayrey’s Universal Power Rankings!

1. Jimmy Kimmel – See “Sean Hannity” below. Kimmel also wins this round.
2. Pandas – Apparently these little guys are making the beast with two backs (logistically does that work for pandas?) at an astonishing rate. Just ask Fox News’ finest, Tucker Carlson. Instead of reporting that unethical Hannity had some sort of professional relationship with Michael Cohen, he elected to report on the vigorous mating habits of these cuddly critters. And who says that folks at Fox News don’t take their job seriously. (See: Michael Flynn’s indictment. The top story on Fox News? Emoji Cheeseburgers. I kid you not.)
3. Nirvana & Your Ears – I don’t like HBO’s Westworld (I tapped out after 3 episodes), however the trailer for the 2nd season uses an ill instrumental cover of Nirvana’s Heart Shaped Box that will make your soul cry. It was done by Ramin Djawadi, who you might know as the composer who created the legendary Game of Thrones theme. Seriously, do yourself a favor and click on this link and take the 3:25 to listen to this. It’s a game-changer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LDS8SeO6hyg&feature=youtu.be
96. Walking Dead – Sorry, but I’m out. I can’t take it any more. It’s allll the same. And I guess you can say that about a lot of TV shows, but it seems magnified in this overrated Groundhog Day of a post-apocalyptic nightmare. Here’s my explanation of the show: Our crew finds a good spot. Things go bad and they have to find a new spot. Our crew finds a good spot. Things go bad and they have to find a new spot. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. There just isn’t enough zombie action in this zombie show and I don’t care about these characters at all. But I’ve been watching this for 8-going-on-23 years now! Although I’m pot committed, I need to pull the plug on this faster than NBC did to the Matt LeBlanc Friends spinoff.
666Sean Hannity – Down 2 spots from last week (which was still too damn high for this immoral hypocritical blowhard), this scourge upon the world is just taking haymakers left and right. This pedophile-supporting piece of trash who tries to pass as a journalist decided to take on Jimmy Kimmel in a twitter & TV war of words and lost badly. The primary reason for his glorious demise was the fact that he’s not as smart as Kimmel. In fact, he’s not even as smart as the bully from my 7th grade class who used to huff spray paint in the campground port-a-potties. But being dumb isn’t a crime. If it were, then 97.4% of elected Republicans and their supporters would be in prison (bada-bing!). But you know what is a crime? PROBABLY EVERYTHING THE FBI FOUND IN MICHAEL COHEN’S FILES RELATED TO SECRET “CLIENT #3” SEAN HANNITY! Oh yes, turns out this doofus, in a spectacular display of modern day hari kari utilized the “legal services”/consulted with attorney hack/criminal/goon/Trump-dumbass-of-the-week Michael Cohen. You know the FBI is gonna find something in Cohen’s secret recordings/misspelled emails that will be highly embarrassing to Hannity. I mean, all the goombah did was pay off mistresses of God-Fearing Pro-Life Sanctity of Marriage-supporting Republicans and donors. Jimmy Kimmel, release the hounds.
1,459. Michael Cohen – The only person who’s having a worse week than Hannity in my rankings is Cohen. The soon-to-be-disbarred/imprisoned attorney of our treasonous POTUS styles himself as part George Clooney from Michael Clayton and part Liev Schrieber from Ray Donovan, but in reality is a less effective version of Joe Pesci in My Cousin Vinny. And as we have now seen, being aligned with Trump is a death sentence for your career, reputation, social life, and Uber rating. Cohen is now reaping this self-fulling prophecy. I can’t wait until he folds like a cheap lawn chair under the bright lights of the judicial system and this banana republic of a regime can finally be stopped.
Good night and good luck.