Jayrey’s Universal Power Rankings 8/22/2018

Lock Someone Up

 

Guess who’s baaaaaack! You’re probably thinking, “Oh my lucky stars, two Jayrey publications in one week!” Well, you’re absolutely correct and I want you to count your blessings. Right now Trump and various assorted other hooligans are giving me an unending supply of material, and what can I say, I…just…can’t…contain myself! Without further ado…

Donald Trump:

trump cohen

[Insert laughing so hard he’s crying emoji] Seriously?! Seriously. This is a joke right? I realize the Asshole in Chief is a crazed lunatic on Twitter and consistently rots his brain with a steady diet of Diet Cokes and Fox & Friends, but this is stepping it up to a whole new level. It’s like he’s now a Jedi Master of idiocracy. Doesn’t this remind you of the scene from A Few Good Men where Tom Cruise is at the bar with Kevin Bacon and is at a loss for words and the only thing he can come up with is, “You’re a lousy f*****g softball player, Jack!” Well this has that desperate feel. Where are this animal’s handlers?! He needs to be placed in a Hannibal Lecter getup so he has no access to any form of social media whatsoever. Or, actually, screw it. I’m loving seeing him dig himself deeper and deeper. And A Few Good Men is one of my favorite movies of all time, so I officially rescind my Trump-to-Tom Cruise comparison. No way is he worthy of being mentioned in the same sentence as Lt. Daniel Caffey!

Lousy T Shirt

[No real story here, this one was just good]

MAGA

[And this one was even better. I love the internet]

THE Ohio State

As many of you are aware, I have close friends from the state of Ohio. I consider them my midwestern brethren. My bannermen from the snowy lands afar. Alas, I’m struggling with the recent scandals plaguing the Buckeye football program. We all know that Urban Meyer was shady AF. Hell, his exploits even broke his OWN heart! But now we have a situation where he covered for one of his backwater roughneck inbred assistant coaches, Zach Smith, who was accused of (and arrested for) domestic abuse and aggravated battery. There’s a special place in hell reserved for this cretin. And Urban did himself NO favors by attempting to cover up this scumbag’s crimes. Well, Urban got himself a slap on the wrist and a tickle with a down feather for his cover-up. Today it was announced that he would serve the oh-so-awful punishment of being suspended 3 games without pay. 3 whole games! That’ll show him. Shame! SHAME! Oh, and here’s a little more about Zach Smith that’ll give you a glimpse into his character:

Ohio State Penis

Look, I get it. We’re all undercover freaks. And that’s cool man. Give into it a little bit. It’s fun! But seriously, is that crossing the line? Although, let’s be real for a second, a cowardly abuser of women whipping out his dong and taking cock shots at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue is like the 4,927th strangest thing to happen there since November 2016. And Urban, you best take a black light to your office and hire Vincent Vega and Jules Winnfield to give your office a DEEEEP clean.

Something actually good!

Cardi B

Let’s acknowledge that Cardi B is one of the best things to happen to the music industry in a looooong time. Bodak yellow? Music gold. Finesse with Bruno? Like Magic and Kareem. Cardi B winning best new artist at the VMAs? File that under #obvious! That was a no-brainer. Like the possibility of Green Bay trading for Khalil Mack, boom, done, lock it up, it’s a slam dunk. You all are very intelligent, so I know you agree with this. That’s not my gripe. My main point of contention, comes with the Maroon 5 song Girls Like You, featuring said Cardi. And hat tip to The Empress for bringing this issue to my immediate attention. In that song, notorious tool Adam Levine croons “‘Cause girls like you run ’round with guys like me”. And let’s be real, on NO planet would Cardi be running around with Levine and his awful tattoos! I feel slightly bad, because I’m not sure if I hate Levine or not. I have a little bit of a soft spot in my heart for Maroon 5, because for those of you who know me, that’s really the only concert I can ever go to and not be out of place. The punk bands would expose me for a fraud and I’d be knocked out cold with a sock full o’ quarters. The Lil’ Wayne YMCMB fans would see right through my facade and I’d be drinking sizzurp in a dumpster behind the Mattress Firm amphitheater in Chula Vista with Birdman and Weezy before you could say “Lollipop”. Hence I’m struck with the faux-edgy silver spoon Maroon 5 and their never-ending string of 2+2=hit songs. Eff it, I guess I just answered my own question. I ride or die with Maroon 5. Thanks Cardi!

That’s all I got kiddos! G’night!

Jayrey

 

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Jayrey’s Universal Power Rankings 8/21/2018

Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Is this Christmas in August?! Was I a good boy and just got my presents early? Was I an upstanding Boy Scout in a past life and just had my karma refund all at once? I dunno, but I’ll take it! Most of you are acutely aware of my political leanings, and thus know why I’m so elated. For those of you who can’t put 2 and 2 together, I’m on cloud nine because the Republicans got massacred today. Holy hell, today was the Bay of Pigs on steroids. I’m still rather stunned at all that transpired today and can’t stop pinching myself. Mercury is no longer retrograde, so I guess the universe is restoring order. Leo season is ending and the Virgos are taking ZERO shit from any of the clowns below. Without further ado…

1. Republican’s Day Massacre – As I was taking notes for today’s column, I kept jotting down the various Republican buffoons/stooges/lackeys that took it in the shorts today. The list got too long for a standard 8.5″ x 11″ paper, so I just bundled them all into one neat little red clusterf*ck.

Republican Red Wedding

  • Paul Manafort – Guilty! Convicted on 8 fraud charges. For those of you keeping score at home, that’s not that bad! Perhaps the residents of Cell Block 4 can fashion him an ostrich jumpsuit to ease his transition to the pokey. Take note all you right-leaners, this is what happens when you get mixed up with the biggest, most fraudulent, incompetent criminal this country has ever seen (Trump. That’s Trump). They’re all going down, they’re all going to prison. Let’s just say, Paul can hold down the (Mana)fort until they get there. HEY-O!

 

  • Duncan Hunter – The Dickhead Congressman (from San Diego, ugh) Extraordinaire and his wife were just indicted for misuse of campaign funds. Make no mistake about it, this guy is a diiiiiick! Oh, he plays it off like he’s Johnny All-American. His father was a longtime Congressman and he served in the Marines. Sounds like someone the GOP would want to run for President, right? Wrong! He is accused of using, oh, in the area of $250,000 in campaign funds on personal expenses. Including…wait for it…wait for it…$600 to fly his family’s pet rabbit in the passenger cabin of a plan! What in the frick!? Oh, and set Bugs aside for a second, because it gets better. Some of you may be thinking, “Yeah, but he’s a veteran! He’s tryin’ to make ‘Murica great again!” Yeah, how ’bout no. See the below transcript. His wife advised him to illegally use campaign funds, and then claim to have used the money for golfballs for Wounded Warriors. F**k off. Glad Election Day is mere months away and this worthless prick is on the ballot. Don’t worry, I hear Donovan State Prison is lovely this time of year.

Duncan Hunter

 

Duncan 2.jpg

  • Rudy Giuliani – It’s too easy with this senile imbecile. My own personal punching bag. And right now he’s making me look like Muhammad Ali. He’s losin’ ALL the marbles. Guess what folks, Truth IS Truth. By definition. I’m not spending any more time on this.

 

  • Anyone who ever supported Trump – The first two members of Congress to publicly endorse Trump: Chris Collins (NY) and Duncan Hunter (CA). The ill-advised and idiotic exploits of Hunter have been discussed above. Collins, however, is fresh meat. “FISH! FISH!” Just making sure these guys get used to their new cat calls. This asshole was arrested for insider trading on 8/8/18. Wait, you mean to tell me another Republican is in hot water? No, doesn’t sound like them at all.

 

  • Michael Cohen – Folded like a cheap lawn chair! This was filed under #notsurprising. He’s a complete bum with a J.D. from the biggest joke of a “law school” in the country. Does our little lap dog know any more tricks? Such as, “Roll over” on Trump? Yeah, get ready. The noose is tightening on this shit show of a wannabe totalitarian regime.

Guilty

2. Post Malone – Thank goodness, some positive news, sort of? (Use the “I’m Ron Burgundy?” voice) My spirit animal boarded a flight bound for the UK today and had to make an emergency landing after the tires blew just after takeoff. That kind of event is enough to make you go Psycho. I’m hoping that the airline will make their planes Better Now. I’m throwing a Celebration because he’s ok and we are going to party like a Rockstar. And I’m going to stop now because there’s no real way to cleverly work in White Iverson.

Post Malone

Inspirational Quote: “The only place success comes before work, is in the dictionary.” – Vince Lombardi

Peace!

-jayrey

 

Jayrey’s Universal Power Rankings 7/30/18

Ladies and gentlemen…I’m baaaaaack! Whoo-wee I took a little sabbatical, but now I’m back in the driver’s seat. Yes, I may have unintentionally singlehandedly derailed Germany’s chances at a repeat World Cup title (oh, you’re welcome France), but I’m refreshed and ready to rock and roll! And with Mercury in retrograde, we’ve got some craziness served up on this dish for ya! Without further ado, enjoy your necessary evil…

1. The casting skills within – Hollywood, you’re welcome. As you may or may not know, there was a recent international incident regarding a Thai soccer team trapped in a cave that was quickly filling with flood water. After a tense rescue effort, all’s well that ends well. In the biz, I believe this is what you call “low hanging fruit”. I conspired with some friends recently and we did all the heavy lifting for you. Peep this:

Your A-Lister star of the movie heroic protagonist that’s gonna sell tickets: Mark Wahlberg. Has there ever been an easier casting call in movie history? Marky Mark has the market cornered on real life dramas metamorphosed/monetized to the big screen. Just combine Deepwater Horizon and Lone Survivor and call this movie Deepwater Survivor (#yourewelcomehollywood)  Come on, you all can see the dramatic final moment. The other divers have all the kids out, but there’s one last kid who doesn’t know how to swim and is crying and flipping out. Perhaps the walls are closing in around them and the water is filling up, and MW delivers a rah-rah speech, channeling his inner Southie straight out of The Departed, fitting of Vince Papale (worst inspirational sports movie ever made, courtesy of Wahlberg) to the tune of, “Listen kid, I know you’re scared, I’m scared too. We all get scared sometimes. But what I can tell you is that the only chance you’ve got is to trust me and believe me. We’re in this together and we’re going to come out of this together, come hell or high water. So no more waiting, it’s time to dig down and let’s do this!” And the kid will stare back at him stoically, because the kid speaks Thai and Boston’s Finest speaks a bastardized form of English. But Hollywood will overlook this fact. That’s fine, just sell those tickets.

Your Director: Michael Bay. Easy. This doesn’t really need any explanation. We need as many explosions and over the top action scenes as we can get. If he decided to throw in robotic aliens imbued with an interstellar life-force and two drug enforcement officers from the Miami P.D. who shoot first and ask questions later, I’d still say yes. I need the crisis to go on steroids. It’s not enough that these kids were trapped in a cave, I need the cave to be exploding as if every single stalactite was made from cemtex. Make it happen. He’s not the director we need, but the director we deserve.

Your Villain: Nickolaj Coster-Waldau/Elon Musk. I think my business partner, Matt Greco, just went from 6 to midnight after reading this. Musk, the (maybe self) anointed real-life Tony Stark showed what a complete clown he is during this whole affair. From his monumentally disastrous mini-sub, to his allegations that one of the hero divers is a pedophile, this whole event was another black eye on this buffoon’s resume. (How’s that Tesla stock doing BTW?) And what better person to play him than ol’ Nickolaj of Jaime Lannister fame. I’m actually a big fan of Coster-Waldau, so this isn’t a dig at all. I just think he can pull off a smug self-serving SOB better than anyone. And quite frankly, Musk should be honored that Cercei’s side/main (depending on how the wind blows) piece is in contention for this role.

Just call me the real life Ari Gold.

Ari Gold

I’m a little bushed, so this is all for tonight, but I’ll be back later this week with some more goodies for your eyeballs.

Cheers!

Jayrey

Jayrey’s Universal Power Rankings 5/29/18

1. Kenley Geronimo Jansen – Some of you are probably wondering why I have Los Angeles Dodgers closer Kenley Jansen at the top spot in this weeks rankings. You might be saying, “But Jerry, you’re not a Dodgers fan,” and you’d be correct. You might follow up that statement by vocalizing, “But Jerry, you’re not even that big of a baseball fan in general,” and you’d be 2 for 2. However, I received a request from one of you loyal readers to have something fun and positive in my rankings, as they’d really taken a turn down negativity avenue. I mean, I was one Francis Ford Coppola cut away from becoming Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now. This particular friend is a huge Dodgers fan, so I thought I’d make this a spin for the positive and acknowledge my current favorite middle name in all of America’s Pastime!

Kenley Jansen

*P.S. I’m still gonna call out the BS as I see it, but I’ll try to put an upbeat spin on things as I see fit!

2. Fear for Jon Snow and Mama Shaver – I need to give props to the most important woman in my life, my mother, Mama Shaver. You want to know how awesome Mama Shaver is? She spent yesterday binge watching season 5 of Game of Thrones. Lemme say that again, she straight up owned S5 GOT! If that’s not the mark of a grade A certified badass, then I don’t know what is. Yes, Mama Shaver is a little behind on the goings on in Westeros, but I applaud her effort. Her wit is sharper than Valyrian Steel and her hunger for the show surpasses that of a Direwolf coming off of a 2-week juice cleanse. So, you can imagine how proud a boy (has no name) was when his mother texted him, desperately wanting to know whether Jon Snow was dead or not. As any good son would, I allayed her fears. And I didn’t feel bad about giving her a spoiler because out of everything she has to look forward to, Jon Snow coming back from the dead is easily not even in the Top 25 most interesting/controversial things to happen to him. [Name Redacted] and Jon, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I…

3. New Yorkers – It was recently clarified for me that I’m an honorary New Yorker, due to my 4-year stint in the Empire State. I’ve never been more proud of my East Coast Brethren than I was yesterday when they booed resident assclown Rudy Giuliani at the Yankees game on his birthday! This is high comedy. Perfect response for a perfect jackass. I heart New York.

rudy

9,197. Roseanne Barr / ABC – Welp, Roseanne’s comeback sure didn’t last long, did it? Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I never liked the show. I thought it was the most unwatchable and unsettling of all the network sitcoms of its day. I know it’s a niche hipstery fad now to go back and watch the show with rose-tinted glasses, but I couldn’t stand it. And ever since she become so emboldened during the Trump era, she’s been doubly reprehensible, like a trash latte with a double shot of racism and ignorance sprinkled on top. So, I refused to watch the show’s reboot and was more than mildly annoyed to see that the show was shattering ratings. Leave it to Roseanne to muck it all up! This morning she went on a racist twitter rant (sound like someone else we know?), which forced ABC’s hand and led to the network canceling the show. Specifically, she made disgusting remarks about former aide to President Obama, Valerie Jarrett. I’m not going to post her comments here, but you can find them online. As if her comments weren’t bad enough, she doubled down by arguing that her comments against the Islamic religion couldn’t possibly be racist, because Islam is not a race. Genius! How can you argue with that logic?! Good riddance, Roseanne. Please head back to 1989 where you belong. Oh, and for any of you reading this who are mad at NFL players for taking a knee during the national anthem (and if you think that somehow they are protesting the military, then please kindly leave this conversation and let the intelligent adults do the talking), I’d like to direct you to the biggest insult to the Star Spangled Banner to date: Roseanne’s 1990 rendition of the national anthem at a Padres game, complete with laughter, shrieking, and a crotch grab for good measure. This is what insulting the national anthem looks like:

Oh, and ABC, you’re here because you’re complicit in this quagmire. You gave this trash bag a massive platform, knowing what she was really like. Don’t even act surprised or indignant. Scorpion & the Frog, the tiger going tiger, use whatever pop culture reference or colloquialism you want. You knew what you were getting into ABC. Shame!

99,000. Eric Greitens – Former Missouri governor and A**hole extraordinaire who, today, resigned as Governor of Missouri. Let me just sum it up for you, he’s a despicable and vile human being. He’s bad. Like, “give me 5 minutes with him alone in a locked room with a crowbar” bad. Officially, he resigned amidst a sex scandal and misusing his charity’s donor list. But that doesn’t truly capture how evil of a guy he really is. Greitens, you can burn in hell.

Auf Wiedersehen!

Jayrey

Jayrey’s Universal Power Rankings 5/22/2018

1. Tom Wolfe – This is an odd choice at #1 and it really bums me out, but I just had to commemorate the passing of one of my all-time favorite authors, Tom Wolfe. The Bonfire of the Vanities is an incredible literary work and I recommend to anyone who hasn’t read it yet, to run (don’t walk) to the nearest used book store and pick up a copy. A Man in Full and I Am Charlotte Simmons aren’t too shabby either. You may also note these behemoths in his bibliography: The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test and The Right Stuff.

726. Aaron Schlossberg – Oh dear. We all know that attorneys sometimes get a bad rap, but you know what gets an even worse rap? Racist attorneys. By now, you’ve already seen the footage of uber bigot Schlossy yelling disgustingly racist and offensive remarks at two women who were speaking Spanish in a New York eatery near his Manhattan office. Um, pal, a bit of free advice: New York is NOOOOOT the city in which to do that. Look, I’m not that good at things and even I know that. Turns out this guy has a history of racist confrontations. I’m no Bill Gates or Elon Musk, but pulling off such a move in such a diverse city as New York just seems to be bad for business. And my oh my the court of public opinion has delivered some swift justice. His business profile has been turned into a Mexican restaurant, his office building terminated his lease and forbid him from entering the premises, and a gofundme was started to send a taco truck and mariachi band outside his office. And come on, I challenge any of you to tell me that it doesn’t brighten your day to watch the clips of him carrying a gigantic umbrella to shield himself from the New York Post reporters while wearing a beanie with his suit and tie and just take off into a dead sprint down the middle of the street like Usain Bolt at the Beijing Summer Games. Hey rednecks and racists, you may want to go crawl down into a hole in whatever red state cesspool you came from, because, newsflash, you’re not wanted. Peace!

Schlossberg

723. Starbucks – I’ve gotta call it like I see it. Starbucks, just stop being racist. Please. That’s all I ask. I enjoy your coffee very much, and I don’t think the racism is a systemic issue at your stores, but please, for all of our sakes, just stop. Last week the coffee megacorp took it on the jaw again after one of its employees in LA wrote a racial slur on a customer’s drink. *Facepalm* What in the actual f… To quote the late, great Dead Joe (as I often do), “WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?!” Just as with the human sh*theel immediately above, there’s just no place for this anymore.

5,000. Gun Violence – This is not even remotely funny. We had another mass school shooting last week. This time in Santa Fe, Texas. Heart of the Trump-loving gun country! The mass shootings are disturbing and out of control. They’re happening with sickening frequency. What are the Republicans doing about it? Not a damn thing. I have to choke back vomit every time I hear someone who can barely spell the word “Constitution” rant and rave about their Second Amendment rights. Here’s all you need to know: so far this year, more people have been killed in school shootings than in all of our current wars combined. Let that sink in. Mothers, your kids are more likely to get killed going to school than going to war.

Adios Amigos!

Jayrey

 

 

Jayrey’s Universal Power Rankings 5/7/2018

Buenos Noches amigos! Sorry I was AWOL for a minute. Time flies and all that stuff. But alas, while I was in the locker room for a bit, the world kept turning and the hits kept churning. And I’m here to catch you up on the random tidbits I found newsworthy and titillating. Without further ado, here cometh Jayrey’s Universal Power Rankings!

1. Childish Gambino – Hot damn! Is there a more influential artist on the planet right now? Donald Glover/Childish Gambino absolutely crushed it this past Saturday when he hosted and was the musical guest on Saturday Night Live. He also unveiled the music video for his latest single, This Is America. For those of you who haven’t seen it, watch it here. It is one of the most powerful music videos I’ve ever seen and speaks to the monumental issues of racism and gun violence in this country. It’s gripping, artistic, poignant, and disturbing. He’s reached that status where he’s transcended just being an artist, and I cannot wait to see more.

2. Lime Bikes – For those of you San Diegans reading this, you know what I’m talkin’ about! I took one of those souped up e-assist limey’s out yesterday and it is a hoot! Even going on the mini-treasure hunt to find one was fun. I felt like a green, eco-friendly, socially progressive Jax Teller. Try it, you won’t be disappointed.

3. Avengers – I’m seriously giddy as I’m typing this one. You all know my affinity for these superheroes and they did not disappoint in their latest galactic installment. It beat The Force Awakens to become the fastest movie to make $1 billion. And yeah, you best believe that when I got home I cranked out like 5 or 6 pull-ups and checked myself out to see if I was swole enough to help them take out Thanos (newsflash: I wasn’t). Don’t be lame, go see it.

428. Ronny Jackson – “He’s the one they call Dr. Feelgood, he’s the one that makes you feel alright.” – Motley Crue. Folks, this is what you call a fall from grace. Provided Jackson ever inhabited what could be considered grace. But this clown decided to go all-in on Trump, and lost, as so many of his idiotic sycophants are wont to do. Seriously, how in the name of all that is holy is Trump brainwashing these people?! He’s like some weird fat orange Thanos without the cool Josh Brolin voice. But I digress. You might remember Jackson as the doctor who, I kid you not, lied through his Vicodin and Jack Daniel’s-soaked teeth that Trump’s vitals were 6’4″ and 235 pounds. Ok, I know the American public has not had a stellar record lately, but does he really think we’re that stupid?! Below I’ve posted a picture of former Wisconsin Badger tight end Troy Fumagali, who was recently drafted by the Denver Broncos. He is 6’5″ 247 pounds. If you believe Jackson, then Troy is 12 pounds heavier than the President. Get. The. Eff. Out.

Troy 5-7-18

But I digress! The Grim Reaper known as the Trump administration has claimed another soul as Jackson’s lifeless career has been tossed into the mass grave. Jackson will not be serving as VA Secretary (a job for which he was wholly unqualified) and will not be returning as Trump’s personal doctor after allegations emerged that he would get slamf*ck drunk on the job, would hand out pills like they were candy, and harassed his colleagues. This guy has no business being in any legitimate workplace. This is stuff you’d expect at a Van Halen concert, not the White House.

563. Rudy Giuliani – Rudy! Rudy! Rudy! This clown must be a real masochist because he has taken up permanent residence in the bottom of my rankings and seems to enjoy just digging himself deeper and deeper. You know what most people look for in an attorney? Intelligence, good judgment, preparation, and an ability to be cool in the face of adversity. Incredibly, Giuliani lacks all of the above, and yet Trump keeps trotting him out in front of the media and he keeps prat falling in stunning fashion. His latest appearance on ABC’s “This Week” was so GD bad that I’m even starting to feel a little bad for him. Nah, just kidding. He’s a senile buffoon and his demise is high comedy. Just take a look at his interview and see what I mean. The doofus really said, “How do you separate fact from opinion?” It’s quite easy. One is a fact, the other is an opinion. I think I remember learning that ish in my 2nd grade Houghton Mifflin Language Arts workbook. Keep it up RG, I need a good laugh!

947. Eric Schneiderman – What a piece of garbage. Oh, the former New York Attorney General was so high and mighty, acting as a champion of the #metoo movement and self-ordained slayer of Harvey Weinstein. Today, he resigned in disgrace after multiple women accused him of abuse and a score of heinous allegations. Disgusting. Violence against women is a serious societal problem. Last year, serious headway was made in that front, but there is still a long way to go. It’s disheartening to hear that those in positions of power in our legal system, who you think would protect the people, are complicit as well. There’s still a lot of reckoning to be had.

1,000,000. Bill Cosby – Which brings me to this cosmically awful son of a bitch. I can’t even begin to get into what a despicable stain on human life he is. We all know what he’s done, and it’s disturbing AF. Justice will never fully be served until these kinds of crimes are all prosecuted to the fullest extent, but at least some modicum of justice was had when Cosby was found guilty of sexual assault on 4/26. I think I speak for a lot of people when I say, Cosby, I hope you burn in hell.

-Jayrey

Skye 5-7-18

 

 

Jayrey’s Universal Power Rankings 4/23/18

Winners and Losers as of 4/23/2018

Welcome back amigos! Looks like I didn’t offend you too horribly if you’re back for more. Last week was a doozy and there were some real movers and shakers climbing and descending my arbitrary ranks. Without further ado…

1. Michael Avenatti  How cool is this guy. If I had continued with my legal career, I hope I would have turned out like Mike. He’s just a badass bald attorney who is not in the business of taking flak from anyone. And he’s the cool bald. Not the lame bald, like Dick Cheney or Karl Rove, but the cool bald, like Bruce Willis or Dwayne Johnson. Which is exactly how I view my haircut from 2007 – present (insert guy thinking hard in a sarcastic “I know I’m right but still gonna make you think I’m asking a question” emoji here). Avenatti went on Real Time with Bill Maher on Friday and threw us all the morsel we’ve been craving – that Sean Hannity is going to get slamf*cked once the feds are done combing through Cohen’s treasure trove of treason, crime, and deceit. Mikey, you’d better not just be teasing me! It’d take a real cold cat to leave me with that set of blue balls after getting me all hot and bothered at the prospect of Hannity going down in flames, handcuffed to this nuclear meltdown of a presidency. Law of Attraction counselor, if we all think it, can we manifest it? PLEEEEEEAAASSEEE!

50/50. Nikki Haley – Was it yellow and moving fast Nikki? I’m referring to the giant bus under which 45 threw you. Having one of his stooge flunkies flat-out say that you were confused regarding imposing sanctions on Russia?! Wow, what a slap in the face! How hypocritical (a theme to which you will constantly see me refer to when it comes to the Republican party) coming from a guy who demands extreme and unwavering loyalty from his underlings. It’s insulting, misogynistic, embarrassing, and indicative of the incompetence of his administration. Dear God, with friends like that, she doesn’t need enemies. Can any of you imagine your boss doing that to you? Just think about it for a second. That would push me into full-on Michael Douglas in Falling Down mode. I think this constitutes a crossroads for her career and longevity in her current position. Your move ambassador.

212. Rudy Giuliani – I’m upset I even have to waste my time and keystrokes on this washed-up has-been of a politician. Doesn’t he remind you of a past-his-prime actor who is trying to scratch and claw his way back into the limelight of fame by appearing at second-rate awards shows and doing cameos on random children’s TV shows? Well, he’s decided to join this nightmare of an administration and assume the mantle of the only job less desirable than being the head of Starbucks’ PR right now – Trump’s attorney. That’s right, this twit has jumped on the proverbial hand grenade and has joined the dumpster fire that is Trump’s legal team. Really Rudy? That’s the hill you want to die on? Welp, bye Felicia! I’ll await your disbarment with rapt anticipation and glee. Giuliani is an irrelevant buffoon and it says a lot about his judgment that he decided to hop on board this sinking ship just as the drums of fuel have ignited. Smart.

12,000,000. Starbucks – Whoooo doggie! Talk about a bad week! Ummm, hello Starbucks. 2018 is calling and would like to fill you in on social events from the past year. How clueless and senseless can you get!? And in the interest of full disclosure, I’ll be the first to admit that I am a regular customer of the Seattle fat cat corporate overlord and willingly empty my wallet into their mega-coffers on the reg. But that just means that I’m entitled to criticize them when baby do a bad bad thing. Their ranking reflects how much money Starbucks is estimated to lose on 5/29/2018 when they close all 8,000 of their stores for racial-bias training.

12,000,001. Theta Tau – Right now Starbucks is saying, “Thank the good lord for Theta Tau!” The embarrassment of a fraternity got expelled from the Syracuse campus early Sunday morning after racist/homophobic/sexist/downright-awful hazing videos emerged earlier in the week. Don’t get me wrong, I love my alma mater. It’s produced many great individuals, including one of my inspirations, Aaron Sorkin. But I can tell you after spending four years deal ol’ Cuse that I’m not surprised by this at all. There are some reeeeal jackasses that go there. The kind of cretins that make you wonder how they even find their car in the parking lot after work. Good riddance Theta Tau! And Syracuse, be better.

In Memoriam: Avicii and Verne Troyer – This isn’t one of the rankings for this installation, but I just wanted to pay online respects to Avicii and Verne Troyer, both of whom passed away last week, both at far too early ages. DJ Avicii (Tim Bergling) was one of the most influential EDM artists ever and to me, his music left an indelible impression in the 2012 – 2016 years for me. Levels is one of my all-time faves and still gets me pumped every single time it graces my ears. Verne Troyer, played a major role in one of my favorite movies as a youth, Austin Powers 2: The Spy Who Shagged Me. R.I.P guys.

Currently reading: Assassination Vacation by Sarah Vowell

Assassination Vacation

That’s all I’ve got. May you live in interesting times.

-Jayrey

Skye 4-22-18