Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Is this Christmas in August?! Was I a good boy and just got my presents early? Was I an upstanding Boy Scout in a past life and just had my karma refund all at once? I dunno, but I’ll take it! Most of you are acutely aware of my political leanings, and thus know why I’m so elated. For those of you who can’t put 2 and 2 together, I’m on cloud nine because the Republicans got massacred today. Holy hell, today was the Bay of Pigs on steroids. I’m still rather stunned at all that transpired today and can’t stop pinching myself. Mercury is no longer retrograde, so I guess the universe is restoring order. Leo season is ending and the Virgos are taking ZERO shit from any of the clowns below. Without further ado…
1. Republican’s Day Massacre – As I was taking notes for today’s column, I kept jotting down the various Republican buffoons/stooges/lackeys that took it in the shorts today. The list got too long for a standard 8.5″ x 11″ paper, so I just bundled them all into one neat little red clusterf*ck.
- Paul Manafort – Guilty! Convicted on 8 fraud charges. For those of you keeping score at home, that’s not that bad! Perhaps the residents of Cell Block 4 can fashion him an ostrich jumpsuit to ease his transition to the pokey. Take note all you right-leaners, this is what happens when you get mixed up with the biggest, most fraudulent, incompetent criminal this country has ever seen (Trump. That’s Trump). They’re all going down, they’re all going to prison. Let’s just say, Paul can hold down the (Mana)fort until they get there. HEY-O!
- Duncan Hunter – The Dickhead Congressman (from San Diego, ugh) Extraordinaire and his wife were just indicted for misuse of campaign funds. Make no mistake about it, this guy is a diiiiiick! Oh, he plays it off like he’s Johnny All-American. His father was a longtime Congressman and he served in the Marines. Sounds like someone the GOP would want to run for President, right? Wrong! He is accused of using, oh, in the area of $250,000 in campaign funds on personal expenses. Including…wait for it…wait for it…$600 to fly his family’s pet rabbit in the passenger cabin of a plan! What in the frick!? Oh, and set Bugs aside for a second, because it gets better. Some of you may be thinking, “Yeah, but he’s a veteran! He’s tryin’ to make ‘Murica great again!” Yeah, how ’bout no. See the below transcript. His wife advised him to illegally use campaign funds, and then claim to have used the money for golfballs for Wounded Warriors. F**k off. Glad Election Day is mere months away and this worthless prick is on the ballot. Don’t worry, I hear Donovan State Prison is lovely this time of year.
- Rudy Giuliani – It’s too easy with this senile imbecile. My own personal punching bag. And right now he’s making me look like Muhammad Ali. He’s losin’ ALL the marbles. Guess what folks, Truth IS Truth. By definition. I’m not spending any more time on this.
- Anyone who ever supported Trump – The first two members of Congress to publicly endorse Trump: Chris Collins (NY) and Duncan Hunter (CA). The ill-advised and idiotic exploits of Hunter have been discussed above. Collins, however, is fresh meat. “FISH! FISH!” Just making sure these guys get used to their new cat calls. This asshole was arrested for insider trading on 8/8/18. Wait, you mean to tell me another Republican is in hot water? No, doesn’t sound like them at all.
- Michael Cohen – Folded like a cheap lawn chair! This was filed under #notsurprising. He’s a complete bum with a J.D. from the biggest joke of a “law school” in the country. Does our little lap dog know any more tricks? Such as, “Roll over” on Trump? Yeah, get ready. The noose is tightening on this shit show of a wannabe totalitarian regime.
2. Post Malone – Thank goodness, some positive news, sort of? (Use the “I’m Ron Burgundy?” voice) My spirit animal boarded a flight bound for the UK today and had to make an emergency landing after the tires blew just after takeoff. That kind of event is enough to make you go Psycho. I’m hoping that the airline will make their planes Better Now. I’m throwing a Celebration because he’s ok and we are going to party like a Rockstar. And I’m going to stop now because there’s no real way to cleverly work in White Iverson.
Inspirational Quote: “The only place success comes before work, is in the dictionary.” – Vince Lombardi