Ladies and gentlemen…I’m baaaaaack! Whoo-wee I took a little sabbatical, but now I’m back in the driver’s seat. Yes, I may have unintentionally singlehandedly derailed Germany’s chances at a repeat World Cup title (oh, you’re welcome France), but I’m refreshed and ready to rock and roll! And with Mercury in retrograde, we’ve got some craziness served up on this dish for ya! Without further ado, enjoy your necessary evil…
1. The casting skills within – Hollywood, you’re welcome. As you may or may not know, there was a recent international incident regarding a Thai soccer team trapped in a cave that was quickly filling with flood water. After a tense rescue effort, all’s well that ends well. In the biz, I believe this is what you call “low hanging fruit”. I conspired with some friends recently and we did all the heavy lifting for you. Peep this:
Your A-Lister star of the movie heroic protagonist that’s gonna sell tickets: Mark Wahlberg. Has there ever been an easier casting call in movie history? Marky Mark has the market cornered on real life dramas metamorphosed/monetized to the big screen. Just combine Deepwater Horizon and Lone Survivor and call this movie Deepwater Survivor (#yourewelcomehollywood) Come on, you all can see the dramatic final moment. The other divers have all the kids out, but there’s one last kid who doesn’t know how to swim and is crying and flipping out. Perhaps the walls are closing in around them and the water is filling up, and MW delivers a rah-rah speech, channeling his inner Southie straight out of The Departed, fitting of Vince Papale (worst inspirational sports movie ever made, courtesy of Wahlberg) to the tune of, “Listen kid, I know you’re scared, I’m scared too. We all get scared sometimes. But what I can tell you is that the only chance you’ve got is to trust me and believe me. We’re in this together and we’re going to come out of this together, come hell or
high water. So no more waiting, it’s time to dig down and let’s do this!” And the kid will stare back at him stoically, because the kid speaks Thai and Boston’s Finest speaks a bastardized form of English. But Hollywood will overlook this fact. That’s fine, just sell those tickets.
Your Director: Michael Bay. Easy. This doesn’t really need any explanation. We need as many explosions and over the top action scenes as we can get. If he decided to throw in robotic aliens imbued with an interstellar life-force and two drug enforcement officers from the Miami P.D. who shoot first and ask questions later, I’d still say yes. I need the crisis to go on steroids. It’s not enough that these kids were trapped in a cave, I need the cave to be exploding as if every single stalactite was made from cemtex. Make it happen. He’s not the director we need, but the director we deserve.
Your Villain: Nickolaj Coster-Waldau/Elon Musk. I think my business partner, Matt Greco, just went from 6 to midnight after reading this. Musk, the (maybe self) anointed real-life Tony Stark showed what a complete clown he is during this whole affair. From his monumentally disastrous mini-sub, to his allegations that one of the hero divers is a pedophile, this whole event was another black eye on this buffoon’s resume. (How’s that Tesla stock doing BTW?) And what better person to play him than ol’ Nickolaj of Jaime Lannister fame. I’m actually a big fan of Coster-Waldau, so this isn’t a dig at all. I just think he can pull off a smug self-serving SOB better than anyone. And quite frankly, Musk should be honored that Cercei’s side/main (depending on how the wind blows) piece is in contention for this role.
Just call me the real life Ari Gold.
I’m a little bushed, so this is all for tonight, but I’ll be back later this week with some more goodies for your eyeballs.