1. Kenley Geronimo Jansen – Some of you are probably wondering why I have Los Angeles Dodgers closer Kenley Jansen at the top spot in this weeks rankings. You might be saying, “But Jerry, you’re not a Dodgers fan,” and you’d be correct. You might follow up that statement by vocalizing, “But Jerry, you’re not even that big of a baseball fan in general,” and you’d be 2 for 2. However, I received a request from one of you loyal readers to have something fun and positive in my rankings, as they’d really taken a turn down negativity avenue. I mean, I was one Francis Ford Coppola cut away from becoming Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now. This particular friend is a huge Dodgers fan, so I thought I’d make this a spin for the positive and acknowledge my current favorite middle name in all of America’s Pastime!
*P.S. I’m still gonna call out the BS as I see it, but I’ll try to put an upbeat spin on things as I see fit!
2. Fear for Jon Snow and Mama Shaver – I need to give props to the most important woman in my life, my mother, Mama Shaver. You want to know how awesome Mama Shaver is? She spent yesterday binge watching season 5 of Game of Thrones. Lemme say that again, she straight up owned S5 GOT! If that’s not the mark of a grade A certified badass, then I don’t know what is. Yes, Mama Shaver is a little behind on the goings on in Westeros, but I applaud her effort. Her wit is sharper than Valyrian Steel and her hunger for the show surpasses that of a Direwolf coming off of a 2-week juice cleanse. So, you can imagine how proud a boy (has no name) was when his mother texted him, desperately wanting to know whether Jon Snow was dead or not. As any good son would, I allayed her fears. And I didn’t feel bad about giving her a spoiler because out of everything she has to look forward to, Jon Snow coming back from the dead is easily not even in the Top 25 most interesting/controversial things to happen to him. [Name Redacted] and Jon, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I…
3. New Yorkers – It was recently clarified for me that I’m an honorary New Yorker, due to my 4-year stint in the Empire State. I’ve never been more proud of my East Coast Brethren than I was yesterday when they booed resident assclown Rudy Giuliani at the Yankees game on his birthday! This is high comedy. Perfect response for a perfect jackass. I heart New York.
9,197. Roseanne Barr / ABC – Welp, Roseanne’s comeback sure didn’t last long, did it? Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I never liked the show. I thought it was the most unwatchable and unsettling of all the network sitcoms of its day. I know it’s a niche hipstery fad now to go back and watch the show with rose-tinted glasses, but I couldn’t stand it. And ever since she become so emboldened during the Trump era, she’s been doubly reprehensible, like a trash latte with a double shot of racism and ignorance sprinkled on top. So, I refused to watch the show’s reboot and was more than mildly annoyed to see that the show was shattering ratings. Leave it to Roseanne to muck it all up! This morning she went on a racist twitter rant (sound like someone else we know?), which forced ABC’s hand and led to the network canceling the show. Specifically, she made disgusting remarks about former aide to President Obama, Valerie Jarrett. I’m not going to post her comments here, but you can find them online. As if her comments weren’t bad enough, she doubled down by arguing that her comments against the Islamic religion couldn’t possibly be racist, because Islam is not a race. Genius! How can you argue with that logic?! Good riddance, Roseanne. Please head back to 1989 where you belong. Oh, and for any of you reading this who are mad at NFL players for taking a knee during the national anthem (and if you think that somehow they are protesting the military, then please kindly leave this conversation and let the intelligent adults do the talking), I’d like to direct you to the biggest insult to the Star Spangled Banner to date: Roseanne’s 1990 rendition of the national anthem at a Padres game, complete with laughter, shrieking, and a crotch grab for good measure. This is what insulting the national anthem looks like:
Oh, and ABC, you’re here because you’re complicit in this quagmire. You gave this trash bag a massive platform, knowing what she was really like. Don’t even act surprised or indignant. Scorpion & the Frog, the tiger going tiger, use whatever pop culture reference or colloquialism you want. You knew what you were getting into ABC. Shame!
99,000. Eric Greitens – Former Missouri governor and A**hole extraordinaire who, today, resigned as Governor of Missouri. Let me just sum it up for you, he’s a despicable and vile human being. He’s bad. Like, “give me 5 minutes with him alone in a locked room with a crowbar” bad. Officially, he resigned amidst a sex scandal and misusing his charity’s donor list. But that doesn’t truly capture how evil of a guy he really is. Greitens, you can burn in hell.