Buenos Noches amigos! Sorry I was AWOL for a minute. Time flies and all that stuff. But alas, while I was in the locker room for a bit, the world kept turning and the hits kept churning. And I’m here to catch you up on the random tidbits I found newsworthy and titillating. Without further ado, here cometh Jayrey’s Universal Power Rankings!
1. Childish Gambino – Hot damn! Is there a more influential artist on the planet right now? Donald Glover/Childish Gambino absolutely crushed it this past Saturday when he hosted and was the musical guest on Saturday Night Live. He also unveiled the music video for his latest single, This Is America. For those of you who haven’t seen it, watch it here. It is one of the most powerful music videos I’ve ever seen and speaks to the monumental issues of racism and gun violence in this country. It’s gripping, artistic, poignant, and disturbing. He’s reached that status where he’s transcended just being an artist, and I cannot wait to see more.
2. Lime Bikes – For those of you San Diegans reading this, you know what I’m talkin’ about! I took one of those souped up e-assist limey’s out yesterday and it is a hoot! Even going on the mini-treasure hunt to find one was fun. I felt like a green, eco-friendly, socially progressive Jax Teller. Try it, you won’t be disappointed.
3. Avengers – I’m seriously giddy as I’m typing this one. You all know my affinity for these superheroes and they did not disappoint in their latest galactic installment. It beat The Force Awakens to become the fastest movie to make $1 billion. And yeah, you best believe that when I got home I cranked out like 5 or 6 pull-ups and checked myself out to see if I was swole enough to help them take out Thanos (newsflash: I wasn’t). Don’t be lame, go see it.
428. Ronny Jackson – “He’s the one they call Dr. Feelgood, he’s the one that makes you feel alright.” – Motley Crue. Folks, this is what you call a fall from grace. Provided Jackson ever inhabited what could be considered grace. But this clown decided to go all-in on Trump, and lost, as so many of his idiotic sycophants are wont to do. Seriously, how in the name of all that is holy is Trump brainwashing these people?! He’s like some weird fat orange Thanos without the cool Josh Brolin voice. But I digress. You might remember Jackson as the doctor who, I kid you not, lied through his Vicodin and Jack Daniel’s-soaked teeth that Trump’s vitals were 6’4″ and 235 pounds. Ok, I know the American public has not had a stellar record lately, but does he really think we’re that stupid?! Below I’ve posted a picture of former Wisconsin Badger tight end Troy Fumagali, who was recently drafted by the Denver Broncos. He is 6’5″ 247 pounds. If you believe Jackson, then Troy is 12 pounds heavier than the President. Get. The. Eff. Out.
But I digress! The Grim Reaper known as the Trump administration has claimed another soul as Jackson’s lifeless career has been tossed into the mass grave. Jackson will not be serving as VA Secretary (a job for which he was wholly unqualified) and will not be returning as Trump’s personal doctor after allegations emerged that he would get slamf*ck drunk on the job, would hand out pills like they were candy, and harassed his colleagues. This guy has no business being in any legitimate workplace. This is stuff you’d expect at a Van Halen concert, not the White House.
563. Rudy Giuliani – Rudy! Rudy! Rudy! This clown must be a real masochist because he has taken up permanent residence in the bottom of my rankings and seems to enjoy just digging himself deeper and deeper. You know what most people look for in an attorney? Intelligence, good judgment, preparation, and an ability to be cool in the face of adversity. Incredibly, Giuliani lacks all of the above, and yet Trump keeps trotting him out in front of the media and he keeps prat falling in stunning fashion. His latest appearance on ABC’s “This Week” was so GD bad that I’m even starting to feel a little bad for him. Nah, just kidding. He’s a senile buffoon and his demise is high comedy. Just take a look at his interview and see what I mean. The doofus really said, “How do you separate fact from opinion?” It’s quite easy. One is a fact, the other is an opinion. I think I remember learning that ish in my 2nd grade Houghton Mifflin Language Arts workbook. Keep it up RG, I need a good laugh!
947. Eric Schneiderman – What a piece of garbage. Oh, the former New York Attorney General was so high and mighty, acting as a champion of the #metoo movement and self-ordained slayer of Harvey Weinstein. Today, he resigned in disgrace after multiple women accused him of abuse and a score of heinous allegations. Disgusting. Violence against women is a serious societal problem. Last year, serious headway was made in that front, but there is still a long way to go. It’s disheartening to hear that those in positions of power in our legal system, who you think would protect the people, are complicit as well. There’s still a lot of reckoning to be had.
1,000,000. Bill Cosby – Which brings me to this cosmically awful son of a bitch. I can’t even begin to get into what a despicable stain on human life he is. We all know what he’s done, and it’s disturbing AF. Justice will never fully be served until these kinds of crimes are all prosecuted to the fullest extent, but at least some modicum of justice was had when Cosby was found guilty of sexual assault on 4/26. I think I speak for a lot of people when I say, Cosby, I hope you burn in hell.