A Tale of Two Bretts
Good evening my esteemed colleagues. I write to you tonight in an uneasy and anxious state. I will not insult your intelligence by spoon-feeding you the reasons for my angst. You already know. The forecast for our country: tense and fraught with peril. You’ve felt it.
They say that those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it. A cautionary tale that bears repeating. To that end, I’m going to tell you a story about a man named Brett…
Brett was straight out of central casting for a swinging dick alpha male straight outta the old school. He was highly accomplished in his field/trade, and widely considered one of the 5 best individuals in the world at his job. He enjoyed a high degree of fame, and if he continued on the path he was on and played his cards right, he would be ensconced on Mt. Olympus when it was all said and done.
However, Brett fell prey to the affliction that has felled many a titan – hubris. Yes, our Brett decided to channel his inner Icarus and flew too close to the sun. In this particular instance, sexual misconduct was Brett’s poison of choice. After Pandora’s Box was opened and Brett’s transgressions were made known, the world set upon him like sharks to blood in the water, he was ridiculed, his reputation was forever tarnished, and his legend died. Bye bye Brett.
Many of you know me well, and thus it wouldn’t take Sherlock Holmes to put 2 and 2 together and realize that the main character in the tragedy above was one Brett Lorenzo Favre, former QB1 of the Green Bay Packers. But, in an odd twist of fate, the above fable dovetails perfectly with current United State Circuit asshole and drunk, Brett Kavanaugh. [*Cue Jerry’s blood pressure to start rising*]
By now, you’ve all seen the hearings, you’ve read the statements, and you’ve watched the drama. It’s all quite despicable and embarrassing. Let’s get one thing straight, yes, you’re innocent until proven guilty, IF YOU ARE BEING PROSECUTED FOR A CRIME. But guess what, ol’ blue-blood, silver-spoon mouthin’, sperry boat shoe rockin’, beer guzzlin’, prep-school terrorizin’, Yale disgracin’ Kavanaugh isn’t on trial for a crime, and therefore I will afford him no such constitutional right before finding him guilty in Jerry’s Commonsense Court of Law.
I have no doubt that vile piece of shit did everything he is accused of by Dr. Ford, Ms. Ramirez, and others. All you had to do was watch his testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee for five minutes to see that he was evasive, not credible, heinous, and a fucking liar. And holy hell does he have some rage issues! Not to mention he lacks anything resembling moral character. And please, Judge Kavanaugh (haha, those initials are JK, which is funny because he’s such a joke), stop playing the victim. It’s pathetic and embarrassing.
The mutated turtle known as Mitch McConnell has decided to try and push through JK’s confirmation this coming Friday. Senators Flake, Collins, and Murkowski, please God come to your senses. Show your decency and deny this wretched predator a lifetime seat on the most prestigious judicial bench in the world. For two years now, I’ve been saying that the Republicans value party over country. They’re being steamrolled by an unhinged madman ripping apart the fabric of this country from the Oval Office and have laid down for him at every turn. They don’t give a flying fuck about what’s best for this country. All they care about is the Republican agenda. If the human stain known as Kavanaugh is confirmed as a Supreme Court Justice, then my belief will be confirmed.
It sickens me to think that this is real life. Basic human rights, particularly the reproductive rights of women, are in serious danger if Kavanaugh is confirmed. He’s a scumbag predator who has taken no responsibility for his actions, lied through his teeth, and blamed and discredited his victims (kind of like the Asshole in Chief, Donald J. Drumpf). This cannot continue. He cannot be confirmed.
Ultimately, Favre suffered an ignominious fall from grace. Rather than being known as a heroic gridiron warrior whose exploits on the field were stuff of legend, he is known as the guy who sent dick pics while wearing yellow crocs to a young team employee. I can only hope – nay, pray – that history will repeat itself and Kavanaugh will suffer a similar fate.
Over and out.