Jayrey’s Universal Power Rankings 7/30/18

Ladies and gentlemen…I’m baaaaaack! Whoo-wee I took a little sabbatical, but now I’m back in the driver’s seat. Yes, I may have unintentionally singlehandedly derailed Germany’s chances at a repeat World Cup title (oh, you’re welcome France), but I’m refreshed and ready to rock and roll! And with Mercury in retrograde, we’ve got some craziness served up on this dish for ya! Without further ado, enjoy your necessary evil…

1. The casting skills within – Hollywood, you’re welcome. As you may or may not know, there was a recent international incident regarding a Thai soccer team trapped in a cave that was quickly filling with flood water. After a tense rescue effort, all’s well that ends well. In the biz, I believe this is what you call “low hanging fruit”. I conspired with some friends recently and we did all the heavy lifting for you. Peep this:

Your A-Lister star of the movie heroic protagonist that’s gonna sell tickets: Mark Wahlberg. Has there ever been an easier casting call in movie history? Marky Mark has the market cornered on real life dramas metamorphosed/monetized to the big screen. Just combine Deepwater Horizon and Lone Survivor and call this movie Deepwater Survivor (#yourewelcomehollywood)  Come on, you all can see the dramatic final moment. The other divers have all the kids out, but there’s one last kid who doesn’t know how to swim and is crying and flipping out. Perhaps the walls are closing in around them and the water is filling up, and MW delivers a rah-rah speech, channeling his inner Southie straight out of The Departed, fitting of Vince Papale (worst inspirational sports movie ever made, courtesy of Wahlberg) to the tune of, “Listen kid, I know you’re scared, I’m scared too. We all get scared sometimes. But what I can tell you is that the only chance you’ve got is to trust me and believe me. We’re in this together and we’re going to come out of this together, come hell or high water. So no more waiting, it’s time to dig down and let’s do this!” And the kid will stare back at him stoically, because the kid speaks Thai and Boston’s Finest speaks a bastardized form of English. But Hollywood will overlook this fact. That’s fine, just sell those tickets.

Your Director: Michael Bay. Easy. This doesn’t really need any explanation. We need as many explosions and over the top action scenes as we can get. If he decided to throw in robotic aliens imbued with an interstellar life-force and two drug enforcement officers from the Miami P.D. who shoot first and ask questions later, I’d still say yes. I need the crisis to go on steroids. It’s not enough that these kids were trapped in a cave, I need the cave to be exploding as if every single stalactite was made from cemtex. Make it happen. He’s not the director we need, but the director we deserve.

Your Villain: Nickolaj Coster-Waldau/Elon Musk. I think my business partner, Matt Greco, just went from 6 to midnight after reading this. Musk, the (maybe self) anointed real-life Tony Stark showed what a complete clown he is during this whole affair. From his monumentally disastrous mini-sub, to his allegations that one of the hero divers is a pedophile, this whole event was another black eye on this buffoon’s resume. (How’s that Tesla stock doing BTW?) And what better person to play him than ol’ Nickolaj of Jaime Lannister fame. I’m actually a big fan of Coster-Waldau, so this isn’t a dig at all. I just think he can pull off a smug self-serving SOB better than anyone. And quite frankly, Musk should be honored that Cercei’s side/main (depending on how the wind blows) piece is in contention for this role.

Just call me the real life Ari Gold.

Ari Gold

I’m a little bushed, so this is all for tonight, but I’ll be back later this week with some more goodies for your eyeballs.

Cheers!

Jayrey

Advertisements

Jayrey’s Universal Power Rankings 5/29/18

1. Kenley Geronimo Jansen – Some of you are probably wondering why I have Los Angeles Dodgers closer Kenley Jansen at the top spot in this weeks rankings. You might be saying, “But Jerry, you’re not a Dodgers fan,” and you’d be correct. You might follow up that statement by vocalizing, “But Jerry, you’re not even that big of a baseball fan in general,” and you’d be 2 for 2. However, I received a request from one of you loyal readers to have something fun and positive in my rankings, as they’d really taken a turn down negativity avenue. I mean, I was one Francis Ford Coppola cut away from becoming Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now. This particular friend is a huge Dodgers fan, so I thought I’d make this a spin for the positive and acknowledge my current favorite middle name in all of America’s Pastime!

Kenley Jansen

*P.S. I’m still gonna call out the BS as I see it, but I’ll try to put an upbeat spin on things as I see fit!

2. Fear for Jon Snow and Mama Shaver – I need to give props to the most important woman in my life, my mother, Mama Shaver. You want to know how awesome Mama Shaver is? She spent yesterday binge watching season 5 of Game of Thrones. Lemme say that again, she straight up owned S5 GOT! If that’s not the mark of a grade A certified badass, then I don’t know what is. Yes, Mama Shaver is a little behind on the goings on in Westeros, but I applaud her effort. Her wit is sharper than Valyrian Steel and her hunger for the show surpasses that of a Direwolf coming off of a 2-week juice cleanse. So, you can imagine how proud a boy (has no name) was when his mother texted him, desperately wanting to know whether Jon Snow was dead or not. As any good son would, I allayed her fears. And I didn’t feel bad about giving her a spoiler because out of everything she has to look forward to, Jon Snow coming back from the dead is easily not even in the Top 25 most interesting/controversial things to happen to him. [Name Redacted] and Jon, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I…

3. New Yorkers – It was recently clarified for me that I’m an honorary New Yorker, due to my 4-year stint in the Empire State. I’ve never been more proud of my East Coast Brethren than I was yesterday when they booed resident assclown Rudy Giuliani at the Yankees game on his birthday! This is high comedy. Perfect response for a perfect jackass. I heart New York.

rudy

9,197. Roseanne Barr / ABC – Welp, Roseanne’s comeback sure didn’t last long, did it? Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I never liked the show. I thought it was the most unwatchable and unsettling of all the network sitcoms of its day. I know it’s a niche hipstery fad now to go back and watch the show with rose-tinted glasses, but I couldn’t stand it. And ever since she become so emboldened during the Trump era, she’s been doubly reprehensible, like a trash latte with a double shot of racism and ignorance sprinkled on top. So, I refused to watch the show’s reboot and was more than mildly annoyed to see that the show was shattering ratings. Leave it to Roseanne to muck it all up! This morning she went on a racist twitter rant (sound like someone else we know?), which forced ABC’s hand and led to the network canceling the show. Specifically, she made disgusting remarks about former aide to President Obama, Valerie Jarrett. I’m not going to post her comments here, but you can find them online. As if her comments weren’t bad enough, she doubled down by arguing that her comments against the Islamic religion couldn’t possibly be racist, because Islam is not a race. Genius! How can you argue with that logic?! Good riddance, Roseanne. Please head back to 1989 where you belong. Oh, and for any of you reading this who are mad at NFL players for taking a knee during the national anthem (and if you think that somehow they are protesting the military, then please kindly leave this conversation and let the intelligent adults do the talking), I’d like to direct you to the biggest insult to the Star Spangled Banner to date: Roseanne’s 1990 rendition of the national anthem at a Padres game, complete with laughter, shrieking, and a crotch grab for good measure. This is what insulting the national anthem looks like:

Oh, and ABC, you’re here because you’re complicit in this quagmire. You gave this trash bag a massive platform, knowing what she was really like. Don’t even act surprised or indignant. Scorpion & the Frog, the tiger going tiger, use whatever pop culture reference or colloquialism you want. You knew what you were getting into ABC. Shame!

99,000. Eric Greitens – Former Missouri governor and A**hole extraordinaire who, today, resigned as Governor of Missouri. Let me just sum it up for you, he’s a despicable and vile human being. He’s bad. Like, “give me 5 minutes with him alone in a locked room with a crowbar” bad. Officially, he resigned amidst a sex scandal and misusing his charity’s donor list. But that doesn’t truly capture how evil of a guy he really is. Greitens, you can burn in hell.

Auf Wiedersehen!

Jayrey

Jayrey’s Universal Power Rankings 5/22/2018

1. Tom Wolfe – This is an odd choice at #1 and it really bums me out, but I just had to commemorate the passing of one of my all-time favorite authors, Tom Wolfe. The Bonfire of the Vanities is an incredible literary work and I recommend to anyone who hasn’t read it yet, to run (don’t walk) to the nearest used book store and pick up a copy. A Man in Full and I Am Charlotte Simmons aren’t too shabby either. You may also note these behemoths in his bibliography: The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test and The Right Stuff.

726. Aaron Schlossberg – Oh dear. We all know that attorneys sometimes get a bad rap, but you know what gets an even worse rap? Racist attorneys. By now, you’ve already seen the footage of uber bigot Schlossy yelling disgustingly racist and offensive remarks at two women who were speaking Spanish in a New York eatery near his Manhattan office. Um, pal, a bit of free advice: New York is NOOOOOT the city in which to do that. Look, I’m not that good at things and even I know that. Turns out this guy has a history of racist confrontations. I’m no Bill Gates or Elon Musk, but pulling off such a move in such a diverse city as New York just seems to be bad for business. And my oh my the court of public opinion has delivered some swift justice. His business profile has been turned into a Mexican restaurant, his office building terminated his lease and forbid him from entering the premises, and a gofundme was started to send a taco truck and mariachi band outside his office. And come on, I challenge any of you to tell me that it doesn’t brighten your day to watch the clips of him carrying a gigantic umbrella to shield himself from the New York Post reporters while wearing a beanie with his suit and tie and just take off into a dead sprint down the middle of the street like Usain Bolt at the Beijing Summer Games. Hey rednecks and racists, you may want to go crawl down into a hole in whatever red state cesspool you came from, because, newsflash, you’re not wanted. Peace!

Schlossberg

723. Starbucks – I’ve gotta call it like I see it. Starbucks, just stop being racist. Please. That’s all I ask. I enjoy your coffee very much, and I don’t think the racism is a systemic issue at your stores, but please, for all of our sakes, just stop. Last week the coffee megacorp took it on the jaw again after one of its employees in LA wrote a racial slur on a customer’s drink. *Facepalm* What in the actual f… To quote the late, great Dead Joe (as I often do), “WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?!” Just as with the human sh*theel immediately above, there’s just no place for this anymore.

5,000. Gun Violence – This is not even remotely funny. We had another mass school shooting last week. This time in Santa Fe, Texas. Heart of the Trump-loving gun country! The mass shootings are disturbing and out of control. They’re happening with sickening frequency. What are the Republicans doing about it? Not a damn thing. I have to choke back vomit every time I hear someone who can barely spell the word “Constitution” rant and rave about their Second Amendment rights. Here’s all you need to know: so far this year, more people have been killed in school shootings than in all of our current wars combined. Let that sink in. Mothers, your kids are more likely to get killed going to school than going to war.

Adios Amigos!

Jayrey

 

 

Jayrey’s Universal Power Rankings 5/7/2018

Buenos Noches amigos! Sorry I was AWOL for a minute. Time flies and all that stuff. But alas, while I was in the locker room for a bit, the world kept turning and the hits kept churning. And I’m here to catch you up on the random tidbits I found newsworthy and titillating. Without further ado, here cometh Jayrey’s Universal Power Rankings!

1. Childish Gambino – Hot damn! Is there a more influential artist on the planet right now? Donald Glover/Childish Gambino absolutely crushed it this past Saturday when he hosted and was the musical guest on Saturday Night Live. He also unveiled the music video for his latest single, This Is America. For those of you who haven’t seen it, watch it here. It is one of the most powerful music videos I’ve ever seen and speaks to the monumental issues of racism and gun violence in this country. It’s gripping, artistic, poignant, and disturbing. He’s reached that status where he’s transcended just being an artist, and I cannot wait to see more.

2. Lime Bikes – For those of you San Diegans reading this, you know what I’m talkin’ about! I took one of those souped up e-assist limey’s out yesterday and it is a hoot! Even going on the mini-treasure hunt to find one was fun. I felt like a green, eco-friendly, socially progressive Jax Teller. Try it, you won’t be disappointed.

3. Avengers – I’m seriously giddy as I’m typing this one. You all know my affinity for these superheroes and they did not disappoint in their latest galactic installment. It beat The Force Awakens to become the fastest movie to make $1 billion. And yeah, you best believe that when I got home I cranked out like 5 or 6 pull-ups and checked myself out to see if I was swole enough to help them take out Thanos (newsflash: I wasn’t). Don’t be lame, go see it.

428. Ronny Jackson – “He’s the one they call Dr. Feelgood, he’s the one that makes you feel alright.” – Motley Crue. Folks, this is what you call a fall from grace. Provided Jackson ever inhabited what could be considered grace. But this clown decided to go all-in on Trump, and lost, as so many of his idiotic sycophants are wont to do. Seriously, how in the name of all that is holy is Trump brainwashing these people?! He’s like some weird fat orange Thanos without the cool Josh Brolin voice. But I digress. You might remember Jackson as the doctor who, I kid you not, lied through his Vicodin and Jack Daniel’s-soaked teeth that Trump’s vitals were 6’4″ and 235 pounds. Ok, I know the American public has not had a stellar record lately, but does he really think we’re that stupid?! Below I’ve posted a picture of former Wisconsin Badger tight end Troy Fumagali, who was recently drafted by the Denver Broncos. He is 6’5″ 247 pounds. If you believe Jackson, then Troy is 12 pounds heavier than the President. Get. The. Eff. Out.

Troy 5-7-18

But I digress! The Grim Reaper known as the Trump administration has claimed another soul as Jackson’s lifeless career has been tossed into the mass grave. Jackson will not be serving as VA Secretary (a job for which he was wholly unqualified) and will not be returning as Trump’s personal doctor after allegations emerged that he would get slamf*ck drunk on the job, would hand out pills like they were candy, and harassed his colleagues. This guy has no business being in any legitimate workplace. This is stuff you’d expect at a Van Halen concert, not the White House.

563. Rudy Giuliani – Rudy! Rudy! Rudy! This clown must be a real masochist because he has taken up permanent residence in the bottom of my rankings and seems to enjoy just digging himself deeper and deeper. You know what most people look for in an attorney? Intelligence, good judgment, preparation, and an ability to be cool in the face of adversity. Incredibly, Giuliani lacks all of the above, and yet Trump keeps trotting him out in front of the media and he keeps prat falling in stunning fashion. His latest appearance on ABC’s “This Week” was so GD bad that I’m even starting to feel a little bad for him. Nah, just kidding. He’s a senile buffoon and his demise is high comedy. Just take a look at his interview and see what I mean. The doofus really said, “How do you separate fact from opinion?” It’s quite easy. One is a fact, the other is an opinion. I think I remember learning that ish in my 2nd grade Houghton Mifflin Language Arts workbook. Keep it up RG, I need a good laugh!

947. Eric Schneiderman – What a piece of garbage. Oh, the former New York Attorney General was so high and mighty, acting as a champion of the #metoo movement and self-ordained slayer of Harvey Weinstein. Today, he resigned in disgrace after multiple women accused him of abuse and a score of heinous allegations. Disgusting. Violence against women is a serious societal problem. Last year, serious headway was made in that front, but there is still a long way to go. It’s disheartening to hear that those in positions of power in our legal system, who you think would protect the people, are complicit as well. There’s still a lot of reckoning to be had.

1,000,000. Bill Cosby – Which brings me to this cosmically awful son of a bitch. I can’t even begin to get into what a despicable stain on human life he is. We all know what he’s done, and it’s disturbing AF. Justice will never fully be served until these kinds of crimes are all prosecuted to the fullest extent, but at least some modicum of justice was had when Cosby was found guilty of sexual assault on 4/26. I think I speak for a lot of people when I say, Cosby, I hope you burn in hell.

-Jayrey

Skye 5-7-18

 

 

Jayrey’s Universal Power Rankings 4/23/18

Winners and Losers as of 4/23/2018

Welcome back amigos! Looks like I didn’t offend you too horribly if you’re back for more. Last week was a doozy and there were some real movers and shakers climbing and descending my arbitrary ranks. Without further ado…

1. Michael Avenatti  How cool is this guy. If I had continued with my legal career, I hope I would have turned out like Mike. He’s just a badass bald attorney who is not in the business of taking flak from anyone. And he’s the cool bald. Not the lame bald, like Dick Cheney or Karl Rove, but the cool bald, like Bruce Willis or Dwayne Johnson. Which is exactly how I view my haircut from 2007 – present (insert guy thinking hard in a sarcastic “I know I’m right but still gonna make you think I’m asking a question” emoji here). Avenatti went on Real Time with Bill Maher on Friday and threw us all the morsel we’ve been craving – that Sean Hannity is going to get slamf*cked once the feds are done combing through Cohen’s treasure trove of treason, crime, and deceit. Mikey, you’d better not just be teasing me! It’d take a real cold cat to leave me with that set of blue balls after getting me all hot and bothered at the prospect of Hannity going down in flames, handcuffed to this nuclear meltdown of a presidency. Law of Attraction counselor, if we all think it, can we manifest it? PLEEEEEEAAASSEEE!

50/50. Nikki Haley – Was it yellow and moving fast Nikki? I’m referring to the giant bus under which 45 threw you. Having one of his stooge flunkies flat-out say that you were confused regarding imposing sanctions on Russia?! Wow, what a slap in the face! How hypocritical (a theme to which you will constantly see me refer to when it comes to the Republican party) coming from a guy who demands extreme and unwavering loyalty from his underlings. It’s insulting, misogynistic, embarrassing, and indicative of the incompetence of his administration. Dear God, with friends like that, she doesn’t need enemies. Can any of you imagine your boss doing that to you? Just think about it for a second. That would push me into full-on Michael Douglas in Falling Down mode. I think this constitutes a crossroads for her career and longevity in her current position. Your move ambassador.

212. Rudy Giuliani – I’m upset I even have to waste my time and keystrokes on this washed-up has-been of a politician. Doesn’t he remind you of a past-his-prime actor who is trying to scratch and claw his way back into the limelight of fame by appearing at second-rate awards shows and doing cameos on random children’s TV shows? Well, he’s decided to join this nightmare of an administration and assume the mantle of the only job less desirable than being the head of Starbucks’ PR right now – Trump’s attorney. That’s right, this twit has jumped on the proverbial hand grenade and has joined the dumpster fire that is Trump’s legal team. Really Rudy? That’s the hill you want to die on? Welp, bye Felicia! I’ll await your disbarment with rapt anticipation and glee. Giuliani is an irrelevant buffoon and it says a lot about his judgment that he decided to hop on board this sinking ship just as the drums of fuel have ignited. Smart.

12,000,000. Starbucks – Whoooo doggie! Talk about a bad week! Ummm, hello Starbucks. 2018 is calling and would like to fill you in on social events from the past year. How clueless and senseless can you get!? And in the interest of full disclosure, I’ll be the first to admit that I am a regular customer of the Seattle fat cat corporate overlord and willingly empty my wallet into their mega-coffers on the reg. But that just means that I’m entitled to criticize them when baby do a bad bad thing. Their ranking reflects how much money Starbucks is estimated to lose on 5/29/2018 when they close all 8,000 of their stores for racial-bias training.

12,000,001. Theta Tau – Right now Starbucks is saying, “Thank the good lord for Theta Tau!” The embarrassment of a fraternity got expelled from the Syracuse campus early Sunday morning after racist/homophobic/sexist/downright-awful hazing videos emerged earlier in the week. Don’t get me wrong, I love my alma mater. It’s produced many great individuals, including one of my inspirations, Aaron Sorkin. But I can tell you after spending four years deal ol’ Cuse that I’m not surprised by this at all. There are some reeeeal jackasses that go there. The kind of cretins that make you wonder how they even find their car in the parking lot after work. Good riddance Theta Tau! And Syracuse, be better.

In Memoriam: Avicii and Verne Troyer – This isn’t one of the rankings for this installation, but I just wanted to pay online respects to Avicii and Verne Troyer, both of whom passed away last week, both at far too early ages. DJ Avicii (Tim Bergling) was one of the most influential EDM artists ever and to me, his music left an indelible impression in the 2012 – 2016 years for me. Levels is one of my all-time faves and still gets me pumped every single time it graces my ears. Verne Troyer, played a major role in one of my favorite movies as a youth, Austin Powers 2: The Spy Who Shagged Me. R.I.P guys.

Currently reading: Assassination Vacation by Sarah Vowell

Assassination Vacation

That’s all I’ve got. May you live in interesting times.

-Jayrey

Skye 4-22-18

Welcome to Jayrey’s Universal Power Rankings!

1. Jimmy Kimmel – See “Sean Hannity” below. Kimmel also wins this round.
2. Pandas – Apparently these little guys are making the beast with two backs (logistically does that work for pandas?) at an astonishing rate. Just ask Fox News’ finest, Tucker Carlson. Instead of reporting that unethical Hannity had some sort of professional relationship with Michael Cohen, he elected to report on the vigorous mating habits of these cuddly critters. And who says that folks at Fox News don’t take their job seriously. (See: Michael Flynn’s indictment. The top story on Fox News? Emoji Cheeseburgers. I kid you not.)
3. Nirvana & Your Ears – I don’t like HBO’s Westworld (I tapped out after 3 episodes), however the trailer for the 2nd season uses an ill instrumental cover of Nirvana’s Heart Shaped Box that will make your soul cry. It was done by Ramin Djawadi, who you might know as the composer who created the legendary Game of Thrones theme. Seriously, do yourself a favor and click on this link and take the 3:25 to listen to this. It’s a game-changer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LDS8SeO6hyg&feature=youtu.be
 
96. Walking Dead – Sorry, but I’m out. I can’t take it any more. It’s allll the same. And I guess you can say that about a lot of TV shows, but it seems magnified in this overrated Groundhog Day of a post-apocalyptic nightmare. Here’s my explanation of the show: Our crew finds a good spot. Things go bad and they have to find a new spot. Our crew finds a good spot. Things go bad and they have to find a new spot. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. There just isn’t enough zombie action in this zombie show and I don’t care about these characters at all. But I’ve been watching this for 8-going-on-23 years now! Although I’m pot committed, I need to pull the plug on this faster than NBC did to the Matt LeBlanc Friends spinoff.
 
666Sean Hannity – Down 2 spots from last week (which was still too damn high for this immoral hypocritical blowhard), this scourge upon the world is just taking haymakers left and right. This pedophile-supporting piece of trash who tries to pass as a journalist decided to take on Jimmy Kimmel in a twitter & TV war of words and lost badly. The primary reason for his glorious demise was the fact that he’s not as smart as Kimmel. In fact, he’s not even as smart as the bully from my 7th grade class who used to huff spray paint in the campground port-a-potties. But being dumb isn’t a crime. If it were, then 97.4% of elected Republicans and their supporters would be in prison (bada-bing!). But you know what is a crime? PROBABLY EVERYTHING THE FBI FOUND IN MICHAEL COHEN’S FILES RELATED TO SECRET “CLIENT #3” SEAN HANNITY! Oh yes, turns out this doofus, in a spectacular display of modern day hari kari utilized the “legal services”/consulted with attorney hack/criminal/goon/Trump-dumbass-of-the-week Michael Cohen. You know the FBI is gonna find something in Cohen’s secret recordings/misspelled emails that will be highly embarrassing to Hannity. I mean, all the goombah did was pay off mistresses of God-Fearing Pro-Life Sanctity of Marriage-supporting Republicans and donors. Jimmy Kimmel, release the hounds.
1,459. Michael Cohen – The only person who’s having a worse week than Hannity in my rankings is Cohen. The soon-to-be-disbarred/imprisoned attorney of our treasonous POTUS styles himself as part George Clooney from Michael Clayton and part Liev Schrieber from Ray Donovan, but in reality is a less effective version of Joe Pesci in My Cousin Vinny. And as we have now seen, being aligned with Trump is a death sentence for your career, reputation, social life, and Uber rating. Cohen is now reaping this self-fulling prophecy. I can’t wait until he folds like a cheap lawn chair under the bright lights of the judicial system and this banana republic of a regime can finally be stopped.
Good night and good luck.
Jayrey